Building a Rocket

Tonight, I feel 24.

Curled up in a hotel room in Shen Zhen, soaking up the alone time when my colleagues are out scavenging for dinner, I feel too young. Too young to be powering through on a Saturday night, trying to figure out what is the bottleneck in our implementation process (and realize that maybe I'm the biggest bottleneck of all). Too inexperienced to be leading a metastasizing team with people all older than me and be somebody's boss's boss. Too weak to really do all the things I scribble down in my journal.

I'm not burned out. Because that was this summer. This time is different - I still keep moving. Meeting after meeting. Email after email. Weekend after weekend. I am slowing down though and it's painful and shameful to hear the screechiness of my own engine.

Maybe I'm just tired. But I can't sleep at night because I keep hearing our app background music play on a loop, taunting me, accusing me of sleeping so early.

We used to joke around and say that when we sign up company X, then we know we've got it made. Well, on our trip to America last month, we did just that. This is the deal that starts the snowball rolling, the momentum that will push us to the tipping point and to profitability. This is the beginning of the future of our startup.

But nobody ever tells you that the tipping point is scary as hell.

I feel like we're building a rocket after it's already left the launchpad, hoping we will not run out of fuel, find out our astronaut is crappy, or realize that the market actually wants a submarine. And somehow, somewhere, somebody thinks that I can be trusted to figure out how to build several rockets at the same time. 

To do list tomorrow: Change that background music.

72 Hours of a Startup

Day One

We sat around in bean bag circles, sort of like a benign underground brotherhood of nerds, and volleyed questions back and forth on the next steps of gamifying our apps. We argued passionately for elements that should be in there, weighed it carefully against our actual IT development capacity, and sketched out/ erased/ redrew UI designs on our glass walls. Man, assumptions. We had too many assumptions about the blue collar workers and the HR. So we jotted down the ones that we needed to test and braced ourselves for the humbling and fascinating discovery of their actual behaviors. 

We're trying to go more lean in our product development. Fail fast. Succeed faster. We're very good at the failing, so so on the fast, and blah on the succeed. But we're good at learning and applying. A gamification professor from Columbia University hung out with us while we went through this process so we could pummel him with questions as he chowed down on cold pizza.

I spent the afternoon interviewing candidates, so we could fill our empty chairs and dramatically increase our capacity. We're projected to double by the end of the year, expand to 95 next year, and grow to 200 ish by 2015. That meant a lot of interviews. And a lot of tears (from the interviewees). We're super picky about our candidates because we wanted to not only hire talent, but also potential and cultural fit. So we did interview panels, where regardless of whether you were a receptionist, a finance manager, a product developer, or a salesperson, you had a chance to get to know the applicants and pitch in about whether you would want to sit next to this person on a plane for 14 hours.

Then there was the email that sucked out the positive energy of the whole day.

We had hit an unexpected snag in our fundraising, especially when we were so close to tasting the term sheet. Just a delay, with the sincerest regrets. But still. I swallowed acid in my mouth just thinking about doing more client tours with potential investors for due diligence. I stayed slumped on the bean bags until somebody turned the lights off, thinking he was the last one in the office.

Day Two

I woke up uncharacteristically earlier than my alarm, but remained hiding underneath my sheets, holding onto the momentary safety of procrastination. I felt the full vulnerability of building a startup today more than ever and wasn't ready to face it square on.

I tried to give some of my accounts a call in the morning, but couldn't bear to dial back when the line was busy. It was one of those courage zero days.

I dragged my frustrations around the office like rattling cans on a frayed string. The HRD and I finally spilled our concerns to our boss, once again on the bean bags. It felt like we were back to a year ago, when fundraising was at square one and cash flow was a constant, desperate topic. He chuckled and pointed out that we're at a very different place now. We had a working model. Enough cash. Clients who loved us and gave us referrals. Actual products and services to sell. A very supportive board. A team that loved each other.

Oh. And a ping pong table.

I went home and watched a dumb movie, recharging before another conference call at 11 pm. Through a connection of a close friend, I had a call arranged with the CEO of an English learning company to discuss potential collaboration. Ended up with a notepad full of ideas for pushing affordable English programs to blue collar workers. Remembered why I was doing this. All of this. 

Day Three

Still groggy from the late night skype call but woke up at 8 am to talk to a brand name HQ. 

Hallelujah.

A major brand name wanted to work with us and asked us to fly to America to talk to them (honestly, at this point in my brain, I wasn't even thinking about the business opportunity, I was thinking friends + siblings + nieces + burgers). The brand name kept asking what our bandwidth was, how fast we could launch, and how many factories we could handle at the same time.

To those in sales like me, those were the most beautiful questions a client could ask.

This collaboration pushed us closer to our tipping point - the defining moment that could launch us.

The rest of the day was set on fast forward with sales reports, investor briefings, and a panel interview of a designer who teared up when he couldn't give an example of his innovation track record but somehow all the women, but me, voted for him.

Marketing called all hands on deck to help unpack/repack product kits for an upcoming client launch because of an error in printing. Man. We really needed to standardize our processes so we could catch avoidable mistakes like this. Some time while unpacking the 3000 kits, a team member told me it was obvious that I was burning out and that I was stressing out at every one. He told me that people loved me and appreciated my hard work but I had not been acting myself. While my eyes turned watery and my nose red, he said that he wouldn't say this to anybody else, but only to me because he knew that I could do better, since I was Sisi.

I was so tired of being Sisi.

But he was right. I had not been managing my perfectionism and laser focusing it to help the team optimize its performance, instead, I had been letting it manage me and my emotions all summer long.

That night, we grabbed Korean BBQ as a team and as we did our signature group cinnamon twist and yells of "Vegas!" (that's a different story), I realized that I really did belong here. Here where I constantly stretched and shrunk and then stretched some more. Here with people who loved me, forgave my excesses and laughed at my whims. Here dreaming, creating, building something that we're all proud of because we're still young and idealistic enough to brave the roller coaster of a startup 72 hours at a time.

Heels

The doctor said that I was way too stressed and that was why my body was freaking out. She nodded sympathetically at my mom and told her that she should make sure that I stayed away from my email and stayed at the malls instead.

I knew it. Retail therapy really was a thing.

I practically salivated over these.

The lighting didn't do this pair of red heels justice. 

My beautiful Chinese shoes. 

Just in case you didn't realize how Asian I really was.

The doctor was spot on. Trying on shoes made me feel so much better.

Going on a Break

Phone off. Lights off. Emotions off.

Buying a random TV show and watching half the season in one go because your remote is out of batteries and you still have a whole box of Ritz crackers to work through is a definite low.

But being so deliberately irresponsible after a crappy day(s) tastes delicious.

And it's not because of all that cream cheese and crumbs on my lips.

Better this than retail therapy. (Thank you China for not allowing online payment on Macs).

Oh The Places You Will Go!

Recently, I've had a quite a few people who I look up to look at me in the eye and tell me that I'm going places.

They seem so excited about all the good I'm supposedly going to do with my life.

The thing is, while I smile and thank them, I can't help but wonder - is it going to be a good place or a bad place?

I try. Because that's what the scriptures say. Pray. Work hard. Step into the dark. The light will follow. Listen to the spirit. When you don't get an answer, just do it. Did it and everything was telling me to stop doing it. So back to square negative one. Shake off emotional paralysis.  Start from scratch.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. The parents are calling. The boyfriend is wondering.

The deciding-your-whole-life-course crisis that seems to hit me once a year is so draining.

What are they seeing in me that I'm not?

Mom Turns up the Heat

My mom just called and issued a gentle ultimatum: A complete thesis draft will be the best birthday present I could ever give her (said with a very sarcastic laugh).

Her birthday is in two days.

While I had originally hoped to be done by tomorrow night / Tuesday morning, adding filial piety to the mix somehow ups the ante.

She thinks I'm having a mental breakdown. So she just wants me to be done.

At this point, I think it's more like I'm being done for.

Have a Happy Doomsday

Apparently tomorrow is the end of the world.

Or is it today? After all, Christ is supposed to come from the East (China? New York?) and it is already 8 a.m., May 21, 2011, in Asia.

Well in any case, unless my house is hit by a giant meteor (sorry, that would be superman) or I get twinkled up into a higher place, I would be furiously typing.*

* I'm 2/3 of the way done with my thesis! Which leaves me . . . 2 days to finish the rest. Gah. Maybe doomsday will be less painful. 

-----

Update: 

Well we're all still here. So I'm guessing that a lot of doomsday prophets went out of business. But this one ingenious business sure did rake in a lot of cash before the supposed Rapture.

For $135, Eternally Earth-Bound Pets offer to rescue your mortal pets in case you, as the Christian owner, end up being translated into heaven. 

Yes. No joke. They are sworn atheists and have signed contracts that say that they have blasphemed according to Mark 3:29, thus negating any chance of being saved. So, they can take care of your earthly pets while you're enjoying yourself in another sphere. 

Please go read their FAQ section. It's hilarious.

The Easiest Question

Last night, I was interviewed by AMCHAM Shanghai (American Chamber of Commerce) via skype.

Luckily, they couldn't see how much my legs were shaking because the camera only locked in on my upper body. My apartment was just so darn cold.

Just when I thought that I survived the bulk of the interview, they warned me that they were going to enter into the "hard-hitting" part of the interview.

So with a brave smile and clenched fists (which thankfully they also couldn't see), I fielded questions on raw materials export restrictions in China, told them about the three main issues that riddle U.S.- Chinese business relationship (and I'm not allowed to mention Google!), and planned a hypothetical working group on wind energy development in China.

Surprisingly, I sailed through that part (sort of). And they looked impressed that I could even come up with a coherent answer. Apparently previous interviewees couldn't even tell them what newspapers they read daily.

Then with a smile, the lady asked me,

"What are your hobbies?"

I froze. Then slowly,

"Baking and reading?"

I might as well have told them that I am a cat lady and am scared to go outside in case I have to interact with people.

And yes. I posed it as an apologetic question. And I've been asking myself that same thing all night long.

I am forced to wonder: Am I a boring person? I'm passionate about my work and I love burying myself in the library researching. But twenty years later, when I want to take a break from my job, what will I have left that I love to do?

This is when I realized this: I love writing snippets that make people laugh. I obsess about traveling. I browse recipes in my spare time. And I collect personal items from different corners of the world.

But apart from that, what makes me me? What do I have that classifies as a bona fide "hobby" that is socially acceptable as "fun" and "interesting"?

I don't know. And honestly, that scares me.

328

I've only ever asked four or five people about the legendary Econometrics class (or Stats) that all IR majors have to take. One was in the middle of throwing his papers onto the floor and stomping on them. The other simply burst into tears. While it was by no means a representative sample where n > 30 and I can compute a z-score and p-value, it was enough for me.

So, I procrastinated it till the one of the last semesters of my college career. And I promised that I wouldn't cry over it. And to recycle my old assignments in a civil manner.

On the first day of my Econometrics class, somebody asked how hard the class would be. The professor smirked and threw up a slide with quotes from previous students:

"I spent more than twenty hours a week on this class."

(The following one is the professor's favorite)

"Imagine getting kicked in the face while doing incline push-ups in the mud. That is pretty much how I felt taking this class. It was the most intense class I have ever taken, and at some points made me consider taking up drinking. I get anxious just walking past the MARB now because of this class."

Sadistically, I've enjoyed it so far. But I don't think people around me have. The mean amount of time I spend talking to people about stuff not related to econometrics, Golden Key, TA job, and church is probably 15 minutes, with a standard deviation of five minutes.

But I'm reaching the point where the trade off of immaculate weekly projects and relationships is getting too steep.

And I already broke one of my promises.

----

Yet another all-nighter, here I go.

What matters the most

Recently, I've been too wrapped up in my thesis/ PAS/ Golden Key/ Sigma Journal/ classes/ work/ Women in Politics panel/ missionary stuff/ future plans. Even though I was trying to hold everything together, I think I was falling apart at the seams.

Last week in Relief Society, somebody shared with us President Uchtdorf's talk "Of Things that Matter the Most." Here are some lines that struck me:

"It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks."

"love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time."

"If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most. Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light."

His solution for simplifying our lives? Focus on the four key relationships with God, our families, our fellowmen, and ourselves.

1. Relationship with God
I went to the temple yesterday. It's been too long. And sitting there, without looking at the clock, was absolutely wonderful. I learned some important lessons about myself. And on a less serious/ spiritual note, I also found out that I am now officially too tall for the size small and short baptism jumpsuit. It must be the vitamins.


2. Relationship with Family
My family periodically loses a child. And a sister. And a cousin. And a niece. They patiently wait for me to resurface from my piles of work. But while they've always been there for me, I haven't always done the same in return. Sometimes I call Chelsea when I'm rushing to school and she always sounds so surprised. So, this week I made a goal to call a family member every day. Soon, they'll be screening my phone calls.


3. Relationship with Fellowmen
I've made some really good friends this semester. I haven't done so well in hanging onto my old friends though. Last week, I cried when one of my closest friends shared about the depths of her loneliness. I cried because I've seen glimpses of it all along. And yet, I never really spent the time to just sit and talk to her. So then, I grabbed her and we talked. And talked. And cried some more. And then laughed at ourselves and danced in the bathroom.


4. Relationship with Myself
This one is the easiest and the hardest. I'll spare you.

Dreaming of Kanas

I just want to forget about the four midterms I have this week, the honors thesis that I've been meaning to work on, and the portfolio that I need to hand in next week. Normally during times like these, I dream about going away. Anywhere. Preferably somewhere where people do not speak English and will not ask me about my thesis (by the way, it is not a good conversation starter).

Even though I'm heading to Eastern Europe in two weeks, all I can think about right now is Kanas, Xinjiang.

When she didn't have enough change for my one kuai snack, she rummaged through her cupboard and stuffed these chalk pieces into my hands. She motioned for me to eat it. I did. It tasted like chalk. 

Apparently that's their sweet milk candy.

 

A shaman inside told my mom that I would bring good
fortune to my whole family. 

My mom and I were pretty touched.

He even gave me a dragon tooth charm.

The ancient Mongolians would touch these cloths for the blessings that they wanted: 

white for longevity, red for courage, blue for wisdom, and yellow for peace.

I don't know why, but this is one of my favorite photos by far. 

Perhaps it's because everybody laughed when I asked to take his photo.

Even he seemed shocked and unsure. 

After I showed him the photo, he straightened his back, ran his fingers through his hair, and smiled.

Confession

It's been a tough couple of days.

Every time I wanted to blog about how I was feeling, I hesitated. And faltered. Somehow, my sunshine-yellow blog background didn't make space for anything not optimistically bright. I saw no resolution, and was not particularly seeking one, but that meticulous green bow on the top corner pressured me to provide a neat solution. I was stuck in a funk, but couldn't write about it because I had boxed myself in with a funny/ cheerful/ travel-crazy / mildly sarcastic blog personality that didn't allow for those days when I just want to be dead serious/ dramatically sad/ unreasonably whiny/ stressed out of my mind.

So here it is: it's been a little rough.

And I have no idea why I'm feeling this way either.

Perhaps it's my darn thesis. Maybe it's the anxiety of not knowing exactly what I'm going to do in the year between graduation and law school. Or probably it's just the never-ending to-do lists, the things I inadvertently forget to put on my list, the jobs I feel pressured to accept, the piles of work, the conversations I need to be having but never seem to have time for.

Who knows?

But two quotes from this week really helped me.

From Sister Beck at Regional Conference: "It's not about perfection. Instead, it's about precision and prioritization."

From my Organizational behavior textbook: "People with negative attitudes concentrate on all the things that they can do better. People with positive attitudes know that the best solution is the one that is good enough."

I guess it's time for me to conquer my perfectionist demons again. And along with that, my thesis.

Bring it on.

Bum-to-be

My internship in Beijing (BJ) starts in 16 days. And I still don't have a place to live. I asked my mom if she was just planning on shipping me there, to a foreign city in a foreign country, and expecting me to haul my luggage around town and finding a place to sleep that very same night.

She laughed.

And said yes.

Counting the minutes

It is in moments like these that I feel so small. I stare at my to do list and somehow it never gets shorter. I try my best to maximize my time. I grade papers when I eat. I study for tests on my bus ride to school. I even dream about doing homework at night.

I thought that I could do it all this semester: 14 credit hours + 10 hour/week of LSAT classes + Chinese TA job + Officer of an Honor Society + Editor of a Political Science Journal + Volunteering at VITA (where I help low income people file their taxes) + Start my Honor Thesis research = late nights & weight loss.

I miss lazy afternoons. I miss talking to my best friend for hours on end. I miss my best friend. I'm sorry I was always too busy to talk.

I love the David and Goliath story. It's the story of the skinny kid who conquers despite impossible odds. But like in most of the real life stories, I just might get crushed under this behemoth mountain of work.